Sometimes..

Sometimes, it hurts to know that you don’t have some things you wish you had.
But sometimes you oversee the things you have, over the things you wish you had.
Sometimes, the things you wish you had aren’t exactly what you wish you had; it’s just a mere illusion of “the grass is greener on the other side.
But sometimes  illusions push you so hard to wish for things you don’t have, then neglecting what you already have..

That Thing That Makes You Think (TTTMYT)

I wish TTTMYT only works once in a while – when I’m in class or whenever I need it.

I wish TTTMYT would give me a break sometimes. It can really kill when you don’t wanna think, but TTTMYT comes haunting you down.

I wish TTTMYT could understand that I’m a human with a weak heart, who needs confidence but that it’s not helping me in any way.

I wish TTTMYT would grant me more positivity than negativity. Sucks big time when you try to think positive, it gives you negative feedback right away.

I wish TTTMYT could stop sensing the unnecessary smallest details that could screw up my happiness.

I wish TTTMYT could be a little easier on me.. Urgh!

TTTMYT, please.. stop messing with me.. =’(

Huh?

Is it just me, or my previous post sounded really.. selfish? =S

Rich Sentimental February

Happy Chinese New Year, One & All! =)

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!
Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Yes, I know it's already the last day of Chinese New Year, but better late than never, right? ;) Hehe!

I'm pretty sure many of you have been receiving lots and lots of ang paos. You know, sharing is caring! =D Well, in this cheerful season where most of us actually receive ang paos, despite the color differences, I also had the university nerve-wreck. Yes, university's supposed to be fun as well (as far as I've heard), but.. It's so hard to believe! The environment itself spoke volume! Monash, dearest! =S However, I guess I can survive. I HAVE to survive!

I guess life as an overall is a bittersweet journey; like the month before, February has its own lessons. The bitter, and the sweet.. =) Like I've quoted Helen Keller before, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. And these bitter and sweet journey that we go through, are all the great adventures that is almost impossible to repeat again.

A joke went, what goes up but never comes down? Age.. =) So, how could we repeat adventures that happened at the age of 12, 20 years down the road? Well, yeah.. You could be playing chase; but when you fall, your bones would probably fracture much more easily than before. Face it, when we grow old, our bones do too.. However, I guess Anlene would help a lot! =P Haha! Okay, I'm so lame.. But, hey.. I can walk! =D Ah, I blame Nicholas! =P But yet again, Mae West did say "you're never too old to become younger"!

Chinese New Year came around the corner on the same day as Valentine's Day. Well, I have to admit it was a combo for me. =) Mum, dad and I had our usual family reunion with our other relatives in Seremban. We drove there pretty early in the morning, only to reach an almost empty house. We had lunch, and waited a little longer for everyone to gather. CNY was usually an awkward situation for the younger ones ie. my cousins and I, because we never really got along; not in a sense where we fight or anything, it just takes us a long time to break the ice.

This year was a little different though, it was slightly easier to communicate within each other. Well, at least it didn't take us 3 days to talk to each other like normal people do. All of us manage to catch up a little with each other, asking about university and college, future jobs, etc. Most of us are still studying, so it leaves only one cousin who just graduated and is working. I, on the other hand, and heading university. NERVE-WRECKING! But, it's all good.. Everything's in control.. I think? ;)

We went home that night itself. And I received two ang paos from my Oldest Uncle. Now, that was just awesome! He accidentally gave me two, I returned him one, and he said I should keep it. Wee, extra ang pao! =D I feel rich this time round, man! Muahahahaha!

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Uncle Kracker ~ Smile

Like I said, CNY fell on the same day as Valentine's Day. After lunching at Auntie Theresa's, I got home and get ready for the arrival of Mr. Azree. Since he was busy preparing for the day, he came a little later than expected. However, Valentine's still wonderful. Why? Hehe, I'll tell you why.. =)

First, the reason he's late was due to well-done preparations. =)

Yes, it was a candle light picnic dinner at his garden. It may not sound very romantic, but it was.. wonderful!

Second, it's wonderful because he sang me "She Is Love". =) Well, it was really sweet because he purposely got the guitar so he could play me the song on Valentine's Day. And he learned the song as quickly as he could! It's by far, the best actual valentine's that I've celebrated. It is.. magical for as long as it lasted.

As I have mentioned, university came into picture just a week ago. Yes, Monash University.. =S Nerve-wrecking, but I guess I'll survive through. By far, I've got nothing much to say about university. We'll see by the end of March? Swell then, bring it on March-y!

With all the goodness and prosperity that came on in February, there were also several lessons that I took into account. One major thing I learned was the fact that, I've been living life for others and not myself. Yeah, I pride myself with food and many other things. But, in terms of friendships and relationships, I've been priding myself with nothing but countless of unnecessary apologies. I may be blur, I may be slow, and I can hardly fight for myself. I'm weak, terrible at debating and defending myself. By the end of the day, I guess I just.. fall?

A friend mentioned on her Facebook before, "apologizing does not mean that you are wrong and the other one is right...It simply means that you value the relationship much more than your ego". Can't agree more. =S I feel like I'm somehow contradicting myself. Bleh! Hehe!

Anyhoo, I am not pin-pointing at anybody while writing this post; it is just something that I learned while looking back at all the years I've lived. It may sound ironic, the lesson this month and the last. When I looked back again, I saw it as a synergy, so to speak. I wanna appreciate all the friends around me, the past and the present; but, at the same time being who I really am, rather than living a life than others expect me to live.

I guess one thing I've gotta learn to do, is to be a little stone-hearted. I've gotta learn to say no, I've gotta learn to defend myself, I've gotta learn to be strong. Sigh, now my expectation for myself is.. crazy! Can I do it? =S

I'm trying not to fall apart, help me..

Photo Credit : Yewenyi on Flickr & Azree Majid on Facebook

I Knew Her..

The first time we met, we didn't quite have the 'pleasant' hand shake. I was always approached with screams that I never understood, assuming that she didn't like me and wanted me to stay away from her. But, time allowed us to know each other and indeed, I understood her better.

In time, her screams grew familiar to me as a welcoming gesture; in a special way, I somehow could communicate with her. Although not as good as others, but I guess she understood me a little. Once in a while, I guess? But, I was a stranger at her home, I wasn't exactly the regular visitor who went every now and then.. I guess that's why whenever I went to her home, she'd greet me with a little extra spice..

She then shifted home, to one that's bigger, with more space to move around. I'm sure she was happy, as she got to know a new friend as well. Abide the fact that I never really got to know her all full well, I still liked imagining meeting her everyday and allow her to get more familiar with me.

Time flew and I went to her home less and less. After a long time, I went again. But, I never knew it would have been the last time I met her.

J.D. Tan
23rd February 2010
2000-2010

Rest in Peace, J.D.

I'm sorry for your loss, Aunty Cindy, Uncle Kim Sing, Jon, Kat & Liesl..